A Depth of Growth

On my way to fellowship had to run a few shots with my roommate!

How do we peak the growth curve when it seems to platoo on a level? Keep up with the list of things?

Is consistency really the only thing to keep a curve peaking?

There are seasons of our life that demands more than what brought us there. 

Times when when what we usually do to sustain a level of growth seems shallow to experience greater leaps of the same magnitude. Recently, I've been feeling stagnant. Internal and external.  And it seems my routines are becoming blurry and I'm losing sight of the vision. Going for personal walks, having personal talk sessions with Abba, etc used to make me feel connected and filled but not anymore.

I've been sensing  the thinning from within as the demands that's made from people and responsibilties keep withdrawing unapologetically from me. The expectations and demands are increasing andI'm only barely dragging along to fill each one. I know whatever I do now will not be able to sustain and increase the level of intimacy I crave with God. I need to draw more closer. I need to listen more intently. I need to create more boundary with social media and withdrawals.

The enemy suggested a thought this morning(lol!)" Your best days are behind you.."  

But, I know better that I WILLNEVER KNOW A BETTER YESTERDAY! 

While praying this morning, I sensed a call into something deeper that I've known. To break out of my routine and seek for something deeper than I've known. To ignore the noise and distraction and stay focused on him... I'm sharing  this here to reach out to someone that the Lord is trying to get his/her attention too. Your best days is still ahead of you. The Lord is calling us to deeper walk with him. Break out of your routine.

Dear Lord, I believe your word. I believe it when you said my path shines brighter and brighter by the dasy. I answer your call for depth. Help me to insist on your depth. Help me to stay yielded to the process. Help me to keep my gaze focused amidst all these distractions. Help me to open up more to you and let you fill up every empty space with me. I want to go deeper than I've seen. Hold my hands and keep my heart seaching for nothing but A deeper walk wIth you.

Learning to Fail Foward

 

One of the reason I created this blog is to be able to document my process. I want to go back in time to look at what looked like a mountain in the past and the mistakes that grew me; The announcements I burped, the words I didn't say right, The situations I didn't handle well... and the struggles!

Just last week, I remember writing an article on re-defining Failure on Facebook. It didn't occur to me how much I'd need it later.

I was privileged to anchor our SUFF SUNDAY yesterday. It was beautiful. Much plan and work went into the preparation of the program. The program wasn't just a success but bars were raised by the committee...but, it didn't go so amazingly well on my own part. I was to anchor the event with one of our brethren and it started on a good note. He was outspoken and quite so good but for some reason my thinking flow was distorted on stage. It was just not flowing!

I was using fillers and couldn't get out the right words. No stage presence! It was a mess! I couldn't even pray properly and I cannot even begin to describe how bad I felt during and after the event. Some of our brethren commended me and all, but I know this isn't the standard I had set for myself. This is just not it!

 

I felt really bad that I did more of scolding myself and complaining to God. I felt the Lord woke me early today and sat me up. He reminded me of where He's taking me to, He said " Why are you so worried about the mistakes you made here, where you know where I am taking you to. This is where you practise, this is where I reveal to you all the areas to grow in, this is how you grow. "

"But, so many people are there. What will they think of me? It's too embarrassing!" I replied. "Why are you more bothered about people's appraisal, if it's for my glory? why are you more concerned about how they see you to how I see you." He said. 

I can't say I'm completely lifted but I just know I have to pin this event here on this blog. It's painful and ego - deflating not to meet up to expectations (my own expectations...let's talk about this some other time!)  but I'm letting this steer me to the right direction --- Growth. I'm grateful it showed me areas for me to grow in, things I thought I knew and had under control that I really didn't have under waters were revealed. It's not easy, I still feel a little bit sad.

I know I am on the ground, so I don't need to fear falling. Even If I fall, it won't be as fatal as falling from a height. I'm grateful that God is using these things to build me into the woman that can stand on the stages He wants me to. I'm grateful this moment will steer me to a path of greater excellence. I'm not saying this with a smile! I still feel bad...

 But, I can see the stretching moving out of my comfort zone is doing to my inside. I hope you see your failure through this lens too. I hope your failure doesn't keep you from trying again. I hope your failure motivates you to grow and not make you shrink into your shell. I hope you pick lessons in your failure and not let the pain blind you. I really hope.

 It's still early, Let me go and attend to things here. Let's pray.

Dear Lord, It really pains right now but I'm grateful that you're a father who doesn't spare the rod. I'm grateful, you are bringing things my way to groom me into the person worthy of  carrying the vision. Thank you for the pruning process. I ask that you help me be stay submitted to this process. Help me to discern when you're pointing areas of growth to me. Help me to look beyond the sting of today. Help me to see things like you do. Help me Daddy! Thank you, Jesus.

His Peace

Apostle Paul was the first to make this prayer of  peace for the Church of God in Rome:

" I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit." 

Romans 15:13

He was asking not just for them to have peace but for a measure of it. Completely. I will like to say "in overflow" same with Joy. I began to desire this measure of peace and joy in my life. A measure that overflows to people around me too. I can't say I've gotten to that level, it's still my desire and prayer but something happened this Sunday that I'm still trying to unpack.  The Lord brings situations (I think Storm is too strong a word, but sometimes that's what it looks like) to show you what He's given to you and what you still need..

This Sunday was our Brother's and Sister's Sunday and our outfit (Sisters) for the event was Mother's traditional regalia. We were to tie wrapper like mothers (as future mothers, lol) The end of my outer wrapper got loose and while I was trying to tighten the folds, I dropped my phone on top of the notice board beside a mirror at the venue's stairs! (I was sooo sure I had given to someone) and then handed over my scarf to Susan. After all the 'mama' drama, I couldn't remember whom I (thought) gave my phone to nor where I had kept it. I searched and asked around for it but had to keep calm as the program was still ongoing.

It would have been normal, if I was trying to be calm rather I WAS CALM, there was no alarm raised within me, no fear. NOTHING. I carried on with the program and even forgot for a minute that I wasn't with my phone. Some of our brethren tried calling the phone to know if they could find it, till if got to the point where it was switched off. 

After the program which is another powerful  story on its own, some of my brethren was getting worried about it. I couldn't find anything that wasn't  Peace within me. I knew I was going to find it. 

"Is this okay?" "Is something wrong with me?' 

I was ruffled to an extent by the peace within me, I prayed and went on with some stuffs before I finally slept off. The reality of the phone began to sank more deeply this morning when I woke up. Though I still felt peace, some thought was gently crawling in. I went down to one of our Sister's room and posted on our Fellowship family group to know if there would be any reply. 

I told the Sister that I'd be checking the venue again...oh! I think she was the one that brought it up. I went down to the venue (with this SCREAMING Calmness) scan through briefly before my eyes found itself on the top of the notice board....and there...was my phone. I was grateful. Really grateful but more for the peace and Joy I had within me more than the phone in my hand. 

I'm grateful for this peace. For His Joy as I keep pressing for an overflow that others may enjoy from it too. I don't know if this blessed you in any way, but I hope you experience God's peace in greater measure. It's a great thing to have. May He perfect your peace, Beloved. 

Bye. I hope to be more consistent here again.

Dear, Lord. Thank you for this peace. Thank you for the phone. I'm deeply grateful for this peace. This stillness within my soul, spirit. I pray that you five me more. Completely fill me with your peace. Let your stillness keep me in the place of tranquility even when the external environment is at war. I want to experience your peace in the overflow. Flood me with your Joy Lord. Amen! I love you Jesus.

The Re - defining.

 Long before now, I would hear people ask someone I really look up to, how she delivers her message and more often they expect her to talk about her pre or post speaking routines but I only began to see why that question is necessary most especially to speakers recently.

I've had different moments speaking as a Secretary from when I am pumped up with rigid faith in God's backing to the time when I am soooo scared that my voice was cracking and my body was visibly shaking and I'm beginning to understand and accept that I don't necessarily have to feel confident to have confidence in God's presence. It had made me more aware of the certainty of my strength failing me. I'm even more conscious of how much I NEED God's backing, so I desperately reach out for it. 

I still make mistakes off-stage but I love that every step of this process is expanding every part of me to my truest version. Today, when I went out to get bread in front of the boys'hostel, the woman said something that pounced on me when I asked why Coal city bread (a bread brand here in school) is scarce recently. She said "Coal city has expanded and going through a refining period due to that, which is why there's inconsistency in supply.' This is not the exact words she used but that caught me. 

I could hear the word churning within me and felt the Lord reaching out to me of what this phase of my life is through them. There's always a re-defining  moment at the beginning of every expansion.I heard "Follow my instructions, that's all you need to survive this re-defining." softly spoken within me. I'm learning...yielding.

Dear, Lord. I'm only grateful that you've brought me this far. For the expansion I don't even feel worthy for, thank you. Help me to yield. Help me to be obey whatever instructions that might come. Help me to be sensitive to your nudgings, prodding and leading when they come. Open up my channels that I may hear, Lord. Help me to be disciplined enough to obey. Lead me through this path, not my path. Not my ambitions but through the path that brings glory only to your name. In Jesus name, Amen!

Painful Joy.

 

I always love coming out to the world to be on my own terms. There are times I just want to be alone and when I say alone, I mean ALONE while at other times I get really excited about standing in front of people, being with people and sharing with them. Sometimes I retrieve to recuperate but at other times because I'm afraid.

We stand in our most vulnerable state when we are with others. They see clearly our flaws, weaknesses and inadequacies and can be put off by them. Huh! One of the biggest fear of the century! Fear of rejection. So, we withdraw in time before they get hold of our weakness and call for a break. It's more easier to have your mood swings and in/out of cave seasons in your own terms. Where you bounce back better and rejuvenated, ready to live in the utmost of your purpose.

But, we don't always have what we want. 

Now, serving as a leader have me out of my comfort zone and not giving me time to go out of it and rejuvenate. I wish I can say that I don't know what to get out of this, but that would be a lie. I know how much this period is stretching me. I know how different I'm becoming with relationship with people. I know how much of my flaws that have been highlighted to me. I know the change happening inside of me but I just don't like the process of it. It's painful. It makes me feel insecure. It's hard.

I don't know if you're also in the same phase as I am. Maybe not the same scene but the feelings are usually the same. Let me reach out to you as I am doing  to myself. This will pass and you will be proud of the version of you at the end of all this. This is the kind that brings out the gold out of us and God has promised to walk through the fire with us and He really is with us. God is making us. You're forming! Haven't you noticed? Have you ever seen a Potter remoulding and refining an artifact? It's always not the best feeling for the craft but the necessary process for its perfection. Can you try to look back on how his presence made some things easier? How He's love for us has made him not to interfere in our making process? He knows of how painful change is but He's even more concern of producing our truest version than the affliction of today. Also, let the joy of the version of you being birthed through this process keep you going, just like Jesus. You'll be fine. I'll be fine. 

  "Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God." (Hebrews 12:2 kjv)

Dear, Lord. I need you help. I would want to say to take away this thing away but I know that would be praying amiss, rather help me to go through this moment. This is the time where I constantly see my insecurities and all but help me fix my gaze on you for you said I am formed when I behold you. I need your wisdom. Open me up to the things I'm supposed to be learning in this season. Let me feel your love and presence when all I know to be true are failing me. Help me, Lord. Amen.

Still Alive

 

Once one's opportuned to come into life with Christ. The process of death is initiated, where we begin to die to our desires and cravings that's contrary to the will of Father often manifested in our spirit. 

Apostle Paul so stretched how much our flesh and Spirit are in constant beef. Never agreeing. Never seeing eye to eye. And the process of leaning onto the Spirit and not giving into the flashy desires of the flesh is called... DEATH. We die daily. Wait, let me rephrase that "We're supposed to die daily" but that's not always the case. At least for me.

Our maturity as believers is determined by our level of death. A lot of things are attached to our level of death. The intensity of the Light we reflect, our usability and others. YET. I'm still very much alive. Today, I was supposed to Fast till late and pray (or rather soak in the presence of Abba) but I couldn't. It was still 11:00am (a whole 11am...STILL MORNING!) and my whole body was already shaking. My stomach wasn't particularly empty but my mind keep playing with me. I couldn't hold it down.

I tried reminding myself of why I'm on a fast. "You need to do this." "You know why we are doing this?" "You're not really hungry! it just your mind messing with you." before I knew it, I was already asking the Holy Spirit for permission to eat. "I'm really hungry!" "My body is shaking." "I can't focus to study this, please." and then straight to get my plate. You will think that would be all but after prematurely breaking the fast, I remembered how much I needed to Fast fully today. Isn't it how it happens?

"You remember your decision after you fall" Just like Sir Mereije mentioned this evening stathe E.N.I meeting. It's a fight. A contention. And the person that wins today has a bit more power for tomorrow. I really look forward to a point of total death. Of total surrender to the will of God. To come to the point where I can give up anything at anytimke just by a word of Abba. I want to die and be fully alive to the Spirit. Really.

The contention continues. Paul mentioned something in...wait let me get the scripture.

" I protest by your rejoicing which I have in Christ Jesus our Lord, I die daily." 1 Corinthians 15:31 (KJV)

We give the Flesh or the Spirit power by giving in to either of them. The one you obey gets weightier and have more power during the next fast and the goal is to sooo starve the Flesh that the Soul begin to lean unto the Spirit. I hope we get there. I hope to get there FASTER. Today, I joined the Fellowship Medical outreach team to a Primary school Medical Outreach. I would have loved to tell you now about how it went but I've to join our Fellowship vigil now. But hold unto this picture, I might share about this later or not.

I do have quite a number but let me not spoil the gist if I'm to share it later, Amen?

Dear, Lord. I'm faced with reality of how much alive I still am. I've not died to flesh. I still have time when I lean unto my cravings knowing fully well of your counsel. You said we should all pick up our cross and follow daily. I want to be completely surrendered to you. Totally able to subject my feelings desire and flesh to your will. To able to obey at all times, in all things. Help me Lord, to die daily. To be able to say NO to the flesh and keep to it. To be completely seared within that my soul leans completely to you. To your will. Help me, Jesus. Amen!

Gradually Loosing the Chains

Life is progressive. Transformation is gradual.

 Earlier last week, I met with few sisters in our fellowship. A  (really) mini - hangout with the crossovers and first years that were in the same hostel with me. 

At first when it came to me, I didn't really think much to it. I had no idea on what the activity/ies within the meeting should be, all I had was just a gathering of these sisters where I'd have to share food. As the Monday  drew near, I was beginning to doubt the possibility of sharing food as I didn't have much with me. 

Shouldn't I leave this? What's it for anyway?

I still held my hope strongly down till Monday evening when the flint started getting dim. I called my sister and on tuesday, God funded his idea. I told just a few of the sisters that I met and they honoured the invitation. We started off with opening prayer and shared our journey getting into school and how it's been going. It was delightful to listen to each of us share their stories. There were flashbacks and it became more intense when I asked the second question.

Till the point when the meeting started, I held or felt nothing as regards the word God would want to share with us. There were no verses or topic...just something that sounded like struggles. I felt God just wanted us to come together, share our struggles and offer help where it's needed. And that was what we just did. God provided an atmosphere where it's safe to be vulnerable. The second question was "How has your journey with God been and the struggles (past or present) that we have along the way?" 

There was this peace in the atmosphere as they shared how they came to know God beyond having God and Christianity as a religion they were born into. All of them agreed to come from a Christian family and some were minister's daughter, yet their personal walk with God started with an event, a friend, totally different from their family. It's as if they were called out into a fellowship with Abba. And that's same with all of us, right? Called out seperately into the kingdom of Abba.

We shared the things we've been able to shed (friends, habit..) and things we KNOW have to leave for us to have a more intimate relationship with God. We ate popcorn (and groundnut!) while at it and at the end shared prayer points on what we need to get better at and prayed. It was amazing!

I remember telling Joy how happy I felt about the whole thing. I'm happy I did what God laid in my heart and even more fulfilled to see the impact it had on my sisters, on us. We gradually shed a  lot of things to enable us to have a more fulfilling fellowship and intimacy with the Father BUT it's a process. And God is intentional about having a track record of growth not just for us to value what we have but to help those after us. Sharing some of the things that God has helped me with (and let go too) and seeing how that speaks to the situation of anither revealed how much our experiences matter to God and others too.

So, if you've anything you're currently going through or struggling with, know that it will soon be a story that you will use to dig someone else up a pit. Stay through and don't give up on your desire to be free, trust God this will be soon be an experience. A past. A good one at that.

Dear Lord, Thank you for everything that happened in this gathering. Thanks for being so patient with our inconsistency and loving us through it all. Help with my current struggle. Help me to draw more closer to you.  Keep shedding anything in me that doesn't look like you.  keep transforming me till I look like you. Don't stop your work in me till people cant differentiate between me and Jesus. Thank you, Lord. Amen!

The Little Things...

 

God is good. God is good.

There are 'Church' phrases that have become too common that it's begining to lose its essence. Words like "God loves you", "God cares", "God is faithful" have been used over and over to the point that we are forgetting how true they are.

God is good, really.

Today was full of events that though might seem really little yet serves as evidence that not only does God care for us but He goes out of his way sometimes to make sure our needs are met. I wrote my last exam today. Histology practical. We were expected to identify slides shown at a limited time and answer a question about the identified slide. It was fine, thank God! But, it didn't look like it before the exam.

I was only able to STUDY few slides and we have about ninety nine slides to study.  This morning, just before I left for the exam, I had to go up the hostel series to  get down my lab coat and a dress I hanged to dry. When, I got there, I COULDN'T FIND THEM! My lab coat and my dress were missing and based on past experience I assumed it must have been taken (you know, what I mean..😀). It ruffled me for a moment. I couldn't place my hand on all the emotions rushing in at the time. Shock, anger, sadness.

 I borrowed a Lab coat from Susan (which I didn't later get to use) and dashed off for my exam. Quite unusually, the examiners started calling in the names from the last person on the list. And boy! We are over 400 students. GOD BOUGHT ME TIME. I was able to go through the manual before we were ushered into the Hall.

Okay, that was just the beginning. After the exam, I went up to chapel to spend some time alone with God. While, I was coming back, I told God about the clothes and prayed I'd see my clothes back on the line when I get back, holding unto his word in Mk 11: 23 - 24;

"Truly I tell you, whoever says to this mountain, Be lifted up and thrown into the sea! and does not doubt at all in his heart but believes that what he says will take place, it will be done for him.

For this reason I am telling you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe (trust and be confident) that it is granted to you, and you will [get it]."

I got to the hostel and  decided to go up first check on my clothes before heading over to my room. Guess what! While I was still at the stairs, there were my clothes staring back at me. I know, it could have been there all along but the truth is that, I didn't see them before but now I've found them!

These are not all that the Lord has done for me just for today. But, I will stop here. And, I know that if you look really well. I mean, if you REALLY zoom in your life, you will begin to see the traces of His faithfulness in your life.

 Don't be so engrossed in that big thing that you want God to do for you that the seemingly evidence of his presence, mercy and grace in your life goes unnoticed. The fact that the big issue hasn't been solved shows that it's not yet it's time. It's here for a reason, for ALL THINGS walk together for our good. Yet, these little things are there to show you that you're not alone and that He that's with you cares.

He really does. 

What little thing has God Done for you that went unnoticed? Note them, let's thank him for them, okay?

Dear, Lord. Thank you. I'm reallllyyyyyyy grateful for your goodness in my life. Honestly, I don't thank you enough for all that you've do for me. Throughout the exam period and beyond...but this is me saying THANK YOU DADDY! for these seemingly little things that you've been doing for me. The food, cards, favour here and there and others. Help me keep my eyes on  your goodness and not my lack. Keep my eyes away from all the needs that I think I have and let YOU be magnified in my eyes. I chose to see only what you're doing in my life. Thank you father for I know that you're working out everything for my good. Thank you, Jesus! Amen.

Old and Grey

My time management was far from great but a whole lot better than the previous days. Thank God for the  quickening yesterday, I felt this surge of strength and excitement writing down  this month's challenge. The truth is writing down a goal or anything makes it more real than having an abstract desire in your mind. It help you get on it faster!

We are currently on a fellowship program called 'Week of Emphasis' and part of it had to do with going to the pilgrim group outside school to fellowship with them and yesterday's was just with the pilgrim leaders. When we got there yesterday's evening, we met them sharing and singing songs that brings joy and stability to the soul.

Goodness! You need to see these old men and women (some with real thick grey hairs) singing with this joy in their heart. I could literally feel their conviction as they sang. They sang "Kept by the power of God", "I'm complete in him" and when they were singing, it was clear that they were not just meditating on the lyrics, they have experience too to meditate on and that made the song come alive to me. It was tangible.

To see them all grey nodding with so much Joy to worship shows that really being in God is a pleasure. I could see that they are not still in Christ because they have no choice. Neither is it because everything was rosy. They held unto God and touched his realness and  are persuaded in their conviction through the ups and down if life. They sure had stormy times.

I can't boast of that. I have a whole lifetime to  experience things that will build my conviction in him. Deeper and Deeper. It's 'really encouraging to watch them serve God old and grey. I pray we don't just get to that place but that our conviction brings our children and generation to that point....  

Dear, Lord. Thank you for calling me to you now that I am young. Thank you for letting me experience your love as a child. Lord, watching our fathers reverence you shows a big gap in us. Help me experience you in deeper ways. Deepen my conviction in you. They have experiences  that has magnified you so greatly in their lives and I am not yet there. Please, Help me. I want you to be so magnified in my life, that you become more real than these things that often distract me. Help me to go deeper in you and to able to pass on the legacey of loving you to many generations to come. Amen.

Losing Grip

It's May and though I should be filled with more energy towards my plans and desire to go deeper. It feels my grip is getting looser by the day.

The month, April had a way it chased me deeper into the presence of God. There were times I had tears, hunger, drive and times where I had to look at some of the scriptures I pasted on my wall to reassure me. Then came this desire for a depth in God that only the deeper part of my belly can describe.

I wanted to stay more in God's presence and I had crazy challenges (well...not really crazy) but then I loved it. And now we are in May and I already feel my grip along the rope loosening. I had to go back to social media fully on the 1st and though I don't see the relationship  but life outside it seems better.

It seems as if I went from one extreme of having so many dates and dates plans with God to another of scrolling aimlessly through social media and postponing our schedules! Is there really a way to find balance?

People have asked me,"How do you manage everything; writing on social media, relationship with God, academics and leadership and I always reply them with "It's not really balanced" and these past days are days when the imbalance was from me.

I have to sit- up, really. It's not looking funny. There are moments that it's like that for me but it feels unproductive , wasteful and  far from God. I hate the feeling! Such an irony, I guess!

I can't continue letting out time slip though my hands. Someone died earlier in the day. A youth. He was too young! It made a lot of things go through my mind and just when I thought that was enough to straighten me up, I went back to scrolling! 

I won't be here for long. I've to make most of my time. I will write pretty much earlier tomorrow when I make a hit more progress on my time management. I have a LOT to do...I can't be loosing grip! Help me, Lord!

Dear, Lord. These times are here again. I would like to think it's a beginning of an era/season for me but I currently don't know if that will be right . Most times, I know what to do, I hear your gentle whispers but it's hard to let  go and obey. I'm sorry for all the times you've prodded that I ignored. Help me to do things the right way tomorrow. Help me to pray when I should, to study when I should. Help me to obey when your gentle whispers come knocking to nudge me to the right path. Help me to make the most of this time you've given to me. Help me Lord to say not these distraction and to stay and go deeper in you. Amen.

A Whirlwind ...

 

A lot to say. A lot to say..

I couldn't write here for some days now due to the light issue we have here in school...but it's been restored and now I have soooo much to say that I don't know which event to tell you about.. Help me Lord!

Recently, there's been a lot happening within me as much as without. It's like a dripping sound of an internal revolution. A whirlwind enforcing the version of me that God knows and the weaker version of me is slowly giving way to this new version. It's different, new but an exciting thing to watch.  

Over the weekend I've seen myself take up challenges that I would naturally throw tantrum for with eagerness. And, I've seen how much things around us are affected by how much time we spend filling up ourselves with the essence of God. I know a lot of challenges that will throw me out of my comfort zone will be more frequent from now. As much as I don't like when I'm out on a hot seat but situations that made demands of what God has deposited in me had been  the very point where I gained more understanding of my identity in Christ and assignment.

So,I will just embrace these coming moments as an opportunity to become.a and I encourage you to too. If like me, you've been sensing this change and difference within you, it's time you embrace every demands that this new version of you will come with even if it pushes you out of your comfort zone. We need every bit of it.

I still have a lot to say...but I have to prepare for fellowshp,,already... Happy Sunday❤️

P.S: I surely will have to testify to y'all how God is helping me out with lateness! I'm becoming a bit better in punctuality these days. Somebody shout GLORY! This testimony is permanent! Amen?😆

Dear, Lord. Thank you. I'm really grateful for all the events that has led to this point. I'm grateful for everything you're doing within me. The world may not yet see it, I may not fully yet understand it but I trust in what you're doing. Help me not shrink and settle when you're calling me out of what's familiar. Give me the courage to stand in place you will call me out to. I'm here surrendering all of me to you. Take over , Lord. Thank you, Jesus!

I Want To Be Whole!

 

I don't know what to say about today. 

Today's is one of those days that every wrong emotions, buried insecurities and evidence of my brokenness stare right back in my face and refuse to cower despite how long I stare back with my eyes open.

Today wasn't particularly the best of my days and I havent really have a quality time with God. I slept through my time with  God today but I've had more time with my insecurities and fears today more than I should. 

The enemy has been feeding my mind with lies that looked like truth. Recently, I'was made the Secretary of my fellowship here on campus and though we've not fully resumed work, I've been having this thought of inadequacy, I've tried to fight it with what God has said and what I know to be truth and has been successful but today, it stared at my face. "You don't quite have the personality' 'You don't behave like so - so" and so on.

 I couldnt help but dwell on them, and they made me felt terrible within that I couldn't even be free today at the Bible study meeting this evening. There are times like that, right?

Today, I'm reminded that there are certain needs I still crave for that I need to open up to God to help fill. The need for acceptance for instance.My spirit hasn't been completely lifted but it's better now. I will sure listen to some music and journal. I have exam tomorrow and I need to read... 

Dear, Lord. Help me. I just want to be free from this thoughts. I want to feel whole and complete in your love. I trust that your decision to bring me to this place and I trust that's because there's more you want to do in and  through me in it. Help me trust in your word and decision. Help me to see you in the midst of this. Help me to feel whole again.

Church Girl?

 

Who's a church girl? A church goer? Someone that frequents church activities? or maybe a  person that dress a certain way? Diligent in serving God?

I was rushing outside school to fill up our gas when I met my classmate and had to stop to greet him. During the chat, he said something and made reference of me being a 'Church girl' and we laughed over it.

Well, when I thought to share this story...I didn't want to identify as a Church Girl. Yes. Mostly because of the biased idea of some church folk on who a Church girl or boy is supposed to be. mean the feigned perfection and boxing  others who have not yet attained the level of religious 'righteousness' in one category. But, thinking it through...YES I'm one.

I'm an imperfect lover of Jesus. I have my downs and emotional outburst that have led me to make decisions that are not scriptural and logical. I've said 'sorry' a plenty of times and still have times when my weakness takes the better part of me. But, I'm grateful for all these because they've help shape my perception and look at the weak side of others with empathy and how imperfect we all are as we strive to look more like Christ. I love Jesus and I am his bride same as anybody that have decided to accept the call of salvation and membership into the kingdom. 

But, the identity as a bride of Christ is what makes me a Church Girl, not because I go to Church, or work in Church or wear ankle - length gowns or do everything right. Those things are beautiful and necessary but my identity as a Church girl stems from being a bride. From believing and loving Christ. Now with this in mind, I can fully embody my identity as a CHURCH GIRL. And I hope every of my Sister - in - Christ begin to own up their identity as a CHIRCH girl with pride. Yes, it means you're a bride to a God ---- Jesus!

A friend of mine told me yesterday just before our exam started that a  Man of God whose ministration blessed me years ago when I was still in secondary school has backslidden! One of us tried making a logical reason for that but ...is there? It made my heart heavy.

What happened? When did it start? .

Backsliding as a Christian is such a slow poison that eats up our spirit man slowly and rapidly at the same time even before we realise it. What would make someone who has become matured enough to be used by God as greatly as He has used this man to now stand and lay down every conviction he has.

It's a thing to grieve heavily for and draw lessons from. I wish I  have all the right words to say to you or even to myself but even  Apostle Paul warned us to be careful not to fall while thinking we  are standing. This is something to cry to God for. I don't even know what to say.

I hope it's not true. God help us!

Dear God.  I am grateful that you accepted me and called me your own. Your bride. I'm eternally grateful for calling me up to be part of your identity. Thank you. Help me to be bold enough to embody my identity and acknowledge you in front of everyone irrespective of who they are. Help me to stand and hold firmly to the calling you've called us to. There are times I'm down and I feel like dropping everything I know it's true and right, please uphold me in your righteousness and faith in such moments. Keep me fastened to your feet. Thank you, Lord!

"I Won't Do It Again!"

 

I muttered "Sorry, I won't do it again, Lord." again this afternoon when I arrived late for the preparatory we had today and remembered  (almost immediately!) how much I've said the same thing over again for lateness. 

We were to convene at a bus stop in school by 2:30pm. which I' was already aware of. Few minutes past two, I already had this nudge to go and start preparing... I did though (after some minutes!) and by the time I was done with everything I was late again. My Friend, Favour had to come and check on me. It was really embarrassing! Especially when it has happened too often to call a habit( well it really is, now) 

I felt guilty and sorry especially when I muttered my usual 'mantra' and remembered how much I've said that in the past, YET it's still the same. Even, as I type this, it just occurred to me that I haven't really prayed about it neither have I asked the Lord to help me with lateness. I was just trying to do it on my own. ( I will do that after this).

In the Preparatory, we discussed Guilt and shame. How shame is one of the many effect of guilt that lead to a response of turning away from or to God. And now, I see how much they are connected. Hmm!

How many of us, already have so many 'I won't do it again, Lord!" moment that it brings shame to even say it again? I searched for the picture of my youngest daughter (niece ) to give you a picture of how we are to God. I will still share a few because she's that beautiful and lovely, lol.

With her elder Sis❤️

Her innocence sends so much Peace when you look at her. Children are indeed home.

I had to add this particularly... Though she looks so messed up...she still hasn't lose her beauty at least in my eyes. I still love her and see her the same as in other pictures...hope you're getting the gist.

God LOVES us unconditionally. That's not to massage our irresponsibility but to encourage us to draw near and ask him help when we keep falling into the same 'misrake' over again. He sees us the same and wants more than ever to help us only if we allow him . We talked about Judas Iscariot, Adam and Eve and how shame drove them away from God's presence and also brought David and Peter to limelight, who though they sinned also didn't let their shame to be the end of the story.

We all have moments of guilt and maybe you're still held down by the shame that guilt has brought. Don't let shame to be the end of it or drive you away from where liberation is. Let the guilt drive to to change. To repentance. To God. I hope you come back to knees of Abba. ❤️

.

Dear Lord, AGAIN! I keep repeating this. I feel ashamed having to admit the same mistake over again. Thank you for not despising me despite all.  I ask for your help to overcome this. Give me the grace to discipline myself inthis area to be able to say NO and keep to it. Thank you Lord for your strength.

Holding On.

What can I say? Wow? Thank God? Because this didn't look like it will be a reality even today! God keep showing himself all the way! Alright,I know it feels like I'm shouting (I'm literally shouting in my heart! This blog happened TODAY!💃) so I will try to calm down and explain to you, why I'm this grateful and the wind that's blowing away the things I once knew and replacing it with a lot that I have to hold unto God to understand.

The burden for this blog was dropped in my heart as long as January with confirmation. I knew it was supposed to be birthed as fast as possible but it got DELAYED by a lot of resistance that came within now and then. First, it was procrastination that came from uncertainty (and my irresponsibility!),LOTS of emotional attack and finally, pushed through the resistance and picked today as the launch date.  The resistance came even  more stonger today. I woke up today to find my phone having issues. I couldnt bring it on, and I was supposed to launch this blog today. I didnt really think much to it. I prayed about it and felt led to go to my friend's place (outside school) and use their system. But then after the fellowship today, I didn't really think much about going outside school, so I decided to visit my friend; Joy in school and use her phone (I was just take the easy way out!). I got to her hostel, tried using her phone but it kept failing countless times. 

My resolve was becoming weak and I wasn't just sure whether I was supposed to launch the blog today or if I should launch it at all. A lot went through my mind as I sat outside the hostel that I began to look for affirmation from God...which God didn't fail to give me. I told Joy that I was certain this blog was supposed to be launched today. I don't know how, but today was supposed to be the launch date! She affirmed and encouraged me to head over to my Friend's place outside school though it was late (I mean it was already just few minute to 10pm).

I left for my friends' place and in a SINGLE attempt, here we are! Today was really a lot for me, a lot to digest and sort out and this story wasn't what I planned to share(not like I have something planned though!)But, I have to share what happened today most especially because of its peculiarity . 

That an idea or a promise is from God doesn't mean it won't have bumps on the way. As a matter of fact God gives us his words so we can hold unto it when the situation doesnt look like it's working  according to that word. I remember walking on the road and affirming some words. INDEED God and his word can be trusted. You're going to encounter resistance if you want to birth anything especially when it's something that God has placed within you. The enemy can't just sit still and let you be, no. You've to fight it and resist it. Our life as Christians is that of warfare. 

So, I'm also reaching out to you who have something that God has placed within you to birth but you've been delaying because of the resistance that comes in different forms. Fear of failure,  impostor syndrome, fear of not being accepted, unworthiness, even depression or financial limitations. This is me affirming what God has laid in your heart and encouraging you to FIGHT it. Fight it. Don't just sit and dwell in it, I had times I sat on lots of emotional attacks I had and that was part of the delay.

 I'm currently in a phase where things around me are changing with such fast pace that I'm trying to hold unto something and find my place in all of this. I hope it gets clearer...

 I will have a lot to sort but it's all for the good. Lets see where all this lead us to. It's surely in a good place. Today, it's just the first day and I'm only excited to see what this blog really will become. Bye.