The Re - defining.

 Long before now, I would hear people ask someone I really look up to, how she delivers her message and more often they expect her to talk about her pre or post speaking routines but I only began to see why that question is necessary most especially to speakers recently.

I've had different moments speaking as a Secretary from when I am pumped up with rigid faith in God's backing to the time when I am soooo scared that my voice was cracking and my body was visibly shaking and I'm beginning to understand and accept that I don't necessarily have to feel confident to have confidence in God's presence. It had made me more aware of the certainty of my strength failing me. I'm even more conscious of how much I NEED God's backing, so I desperately reach out for it. 

I still make mistakes off-stage but I love that every step of this process is expanding every part of me to my truest version. Today, when I went out to get bread in front of the boys'hostel, the woman said something that pounced on me when I asked why Coal city bread (a bread brand here in school) is scarce recently. She said "Coal city has expanded and going through a refining period due to that, which is why there's inconsistency in supply.' This is not the exact words she used but that caught me. 

I could hear the word churning within me and felt the Lord reaching out to me of what this phase of my life is through them. There's always a re-defining  moment at the beginning of every expansion.I heard "Follow my instructions, that's all you need to survive this re-defining." softly spoken within me. I'm learning...yielding.

Dear, Lord. I'm only grateful that you've brought me this far. For the expansion I don't even feel worthy for, thank you. Help me to yield. Help me to be obey whatever instructions that might come. Help me to be sensitive to your nudgings, prodding and leading when they come. Open up my channels that I may hear, Lord. Help me to be disciplined enough to obey. Lead me through this path, not my path. Not my ambitions but through the path that brings glory only to your name. In Jesus name, Amen!

Painful Joy.

 

I always love coming out to the world to be on my own terms. There are times I just want to be alone and when I say alone, I mean ALONE while at other times I get really excited about standing in front of people, being with people and sharing with them. Sometimes I retrieve to recuperate but at other times because I'm afraid.

We stand in our most vulnerable state when we are with others. They see clearly our flaws, weaknesses and inadequacies and can be put off by them. Huh! One of the biggest fear of the century! Fear of rejection. So, we withdraw in time before they get hold of our weakness and call for a break. It's more easier to have your mood swings and in/out of cave seasons in your own terms. Where you bounce back better and rejuvenated, ready to live in the utmost of your purpose.

But, we don't always have what we want. 

Now, serving as a leader have me out of my comfort zone and not giving me time to go out of it and rejuvenate. I wish I can say that I don't know what to get out of this, but that would be a lie. I know how much this period is stretching me. I know how different I'm becoming with relationship with people. I know how much of my flaws that have been highlighted to me. I know the change happening inside of me but I just don't like the process of it. It's painful. It makes me feel insecure. It's hard.

I don't know if you're also in the same phase as I am. Maybe not the same scene but the feelings are usually the same. Let me reach out to you as I am doing  to myself. This will pass and you will be proud of the version of you at the end of all this. This is the kind that brings out the gold out of us and God has promised to walk through the fire with us and He really is with us. God is making us. You're forming! Haven't you noticed? Have you ever seen a Potter remoulding and refining an artifact? It's always not the best feeling for the craft but the necessary process for its perfection. Can you try to look back on how his presence made some things easier? How He's love for us has made him not to interfere in our making process? He knows of how painful change is but He's even more concern of producing our truest version than the affliction of today. Also, let the joy of the version of you being birthed through this process keep you going, just like Jesus. You'll be fine. I'll be fine. 

  "Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God." (Hebrews 12:2 kjv)

Dear, Lord. I need you help. I would want to say to take away this thing away but I know that would be praying amiss, rather help me to go through this moment. This is the time where I constantly see my insecurities and all but help me fix my gaze on you for you said I am formed when I behold you. I need your wisdom. Open me up to the things I'm supposed to be learning in this season. Let me feel your love and presence when all I know to be true are failing me. Help me, Lord. Amen.