A Whirlwind ...

 

A lot to say. A lot to say..

I couldn't write here for some days now due to the light issue we have here in school...but it's been restored and now I have soooo much to say that I don't know which event to tell you about.. Help me Lord!

Recently, there's been a lot happening within me as much as without. It's like a dripping sound of an internal revolution. A whirlwind enforcing the version of me that God knows and the weaker version of me is slowly giving way to this new version. It's different, new but an exciting thing to watch.  

Over the weekend I've seen myself take up challenges that I would naturally throw tantrum for with eagerness. And, I've seen how much things around us are affected by how much time we spend filling up ourselves with the essence of God. I know a lot of challenges that will throw me out of my comfort zone will be more frequent from now. As much as I don't like when I'm out on a hot seat but situations that made demands of what God has deposited in me had been  the very point where I gained more understanding of my identity in Christ and assignment.

So,I will just embrace these coming moments as an opportunity to become.a and I encourage you to too. If like me, you've been sensing this change and difference within you, it's time you embrace every demands that this new version of you will come with even if it pushes you out of your comfort zone. We need every bit of it.

I still have a lot to say...but I have to prepare for fellowshp,,already... Happy Sunday❤️

P.S: I surely will have to testify to y'all how God is helping me out with lateness! I'm becoming a bit better in punctuality these days. Somebody shout GLORY! This testimony is permanent! Amen?😆

Dear, Lord. Thank you. I'm really grateful for all the events that has led to this point. I'm grateful for everything you're doing within me. The world may not yet see it, I may not fully yet understand it but I trust in what you're doing. Help me not shrink and settle when you're calling me out of what's familiar. Give me the courage to stand in place you will call me out to. I'm here surrendering all of me to you. Take over , Lord. Thank you, Jesus!

I Want To Be Whole!

 

I don't know what to say about today. 

Today's is one of those days that every wrong emotions, buried insecurities and evidence of my brokenness stare right back in my face and refuse to cower despite how long I stare back with my eyes open.

Today wasn't particularly the best of my days and I havent really have a quality time with God. I slept through my time with  God today but I've had more time with my insecurities and fears today more than I should. 

The enemy has been feeding my mind with lies that looked like truth. Recently, I'was made the Secretary of my fellowship here on campus and though we've not fully resumed work, I've been having this thought of inadequacy, I've tried to fight it with what God has said and what I know to be truth and has been successful but today, it stared at my face. "You don't quite have the personality' 'You don't behave like so - so" and so on.

 I couldnt help but dwell on them, and they made me felt terrible within that I couldn't even be free today at the Bible study meeting this evening. There are times like that, right?

Today, I'm reminded that there are certain needs I still crave for that I need to open up to God to help fill. The need for acceptance for instance.My spirit hasn't been completely lifted but it's better now. I will sure listen to some music and journal. I have exam tomorrow and I need to read... 

Dear, Lord. Help me. I just want to be free from this thoughts. I want to feel whole and complete in your love. I trust that your decision to bring me to this place and I trust that's because there's more you want to do in and  through me in it. Help me trust in your word and decision. Help me to see you in the midst of this. Help me to feel whole again.

Church Girl?

 

Who's a church girl? A church goer? Someone that frequents church activities? or maybe a  person that dress a certain way? Diligent in serving God?

I was rushing outside school to fill up our gas when I met my classmate and had to stop to greet him. During the chat, he said something and made reference of me being a 'Church girl' and we laughed over it.

Well, when I thought to share this story...I didn't want to identify as a Church Girl. Yes. Mostly because of the biased idea of some church folk on who a Church girl or boy is supposed to be. mean the feigned perfection and boxing  others who have not yet attained the level of religious 'righteousness' in one category. But, thinking it through...YES I'm one.

I'm an imperfect lover of Jesus. I have my downs and emotional outburst that have led me to make decisions that are not scriptural and logical. I've said 'sorry' a plenty of times and still have times when my weakness takes the better part of me. But, I'm grateful for all these because they've help shape my perception and look at the weak side of others with empathy and how imperfect we all are as we strive to look more like Christ. I love Jesus and I am his bride same as anybody that have decided to accept the call of salvation and membership into the kingdom. 

But, the identity as a bride of Christ is what makes me a Church Girl, not because I go to Church, or work in Church or wear ankle - length gowns or do everything right. Those things are beautiful and necessary but my identity as a Church girl stems from being a bride. From believing and loving Christ. Now with this in mind, I can fully embody my identity as a CHURCH GIRL. And I hope every of my Sister - in - Christ begin to own up their identity as a CHIRCH girl with pride. Yes, it means you're a bride to a God ---- Jesus!

A friend of mine told me yesterday just before our exam started that a  Man of God whose ministration blessed me years ago when I was still in secondary school has backslidden! One of us tried making a logical reason for that but ...is there? It made my heart heavy.

What happened? When did it start? .

Backsliding as a Christian is such a slow poison that eats up our spirit man slowly and rapidly at the same time even before we realise it. What would make someone who has become matured enough to be used by God as greatly as He has used this man to now stand and lay down every conviction he has.

It's a thing to grieve heavily for and draw lessons from. I wish I  have all the right words to say to you or even to myself but even  Apostle Paul warned us to be careful not to fall while thinking we  are standing. This is something to cry to God for. I don't even know what to say.

I hope it's not true. God help us!

Dear God.  I am grateful that you accepted me and called me your own. Your bride. I'm eternally grateful for calling me up to be part of your identity. Thank you. Help me to be bold enough to embody my identity and acknowledge you in front of everyone irrespective of who they are. Help me to stand and hold firmly to the calling you've called us to. There are times I'm down and I feel like dropping everything I know it's true and right, please uphold me in your righteousness and faith in such moments. Keep me fastened to your feet. Thank you, Lord!

"I Won't Do It Again!"

 

I muttered "Sorry, I won't do it again, Lord." again this afternoon when I arrived late for the preparatory we had today and remembered  (almost immediately!) how much I've said the same thing over again for lateness. 

We were to convene at a bus stop in school by 2:30pm. which I' was already aware of. Few minutes past two, I already had this nudge to go and start preparing... I did though (after some minutes!) and by the time I was done with everything I was late again. My Friend, Favour had to come and check on me. It was really embarrassing! Especially when it has happened too often to call a habit( well it really is, now) 

I felt guilty and sorry especially when I muttered my usual 'mantra' and remembered how much I've said that in the past, YET it's still the same. Even, as I type this, it just occurred to me that I haven't really prayed about it neither have I asked the Lord to help me with lateness. I was just trying to do it on my own. ( I will do that after this).

In the Preparatory, we discussed Guilt and shame. How shame is one of the many effect of guilt that lead to a response of turning away from or to God. And now, I see how much they are connected. Hmm!

How many of us, already have so many 'I won't do it again, Lord!" moment that it brings shame to even say it again? I searched for the picture of my youngest daughter (niece ) to give you a picture of how we are to God. I will still share a few because she's that beautiful and lovely, lol.

With her elder Sis❤️

Her innocence sends so much Peace when you look at her. Children are indeed home.

I had to add this particularly... Though she looks so messed up...she still hasn't lose her beauty at least in my eyes. I still love her and see her the same as in other pictures...hope you're getting the gist.

God LOVES us unconditionally. That's not to massage our irresponsibility but to encourage us to draw near and ask him help when we keep falling into the same 'misrake' over again. He sees us the same and wants more than ever to help us only if we allow him . We talked about Judas Iscariot, Adam and Eve and how shame drove them away from God's presence and also brought David and Peter to limelight, who though they sinned also didn't let their shame to be the end of the story.

We all have moments of guilt and maybe you're still held down by the shame that guilt has brought. Don't let shame to be the end of it or drive you away from where liberation is. Let the guilt drive to to change. To repentance. To God. I hope you come back to knees of Abba. ❤️

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Dear Lord, AGAIN! I keep repeating this. I feel ashamed having to admit the same mistake over again. Thank you for not despising me despite all.  I ask for your help to overcome this. Give me the grace to discipline myself inthis area to be able to say NO and keep to it. Thank you Lord for your strength.

Holding On.

What can I say? Wow? Thank God? Because this didn't look like it will be a reality even today! God keep showing himself all the way! Alright,I know it feels like I'm shouting (I'm literally shouting in my heart! This blog happened TODAY!💃) so I will try to calm down and explain to you, why I'm this grateful and the wind that's blowing away the things I once knew and replacing it with a lot that I have to hold unto God to understand.

The burden for this blog was dropped in my heart as long as January with confirmation. I knew it was supposed to be birthed as fast as possible but it got DELAYED by a lot of resistance that came within now and then. First, it was procrastination that came from uncertainty (and my irresponsibility!),LOTS of emotional attack and finally, pushed through the resistance and picked today as the launch date.  The resistance came even  more stonger today. I woke up today to find my phone having issues. I couldnt bring it on, and I was supposed to launch this blog today. I didnt really think much to it. I prayed about it and felt led to go to my friend's place (outside school) and use their system. But then after the fellowship today, I didn't really think much about going outside school, so I decided to visit my friend; Joy in school and use her phone (I was just take the easy way out!). I got to her hostel, tried using her phone but it kept failing countless times. 

My resolve was becoming weak and I wasn't just sure whether I was supposed to launch the blog today or if I should launch it at all. A lot went through my mind as I sat outside the hostel that I began to look for affirmation from God...which God didn't fail to give me. I told Joy that I was certain this blog was supposed to be launched today. I don't know how, but today was supposed to be the launch date! She affirmed and encouraged me to head over to my Friend's place outside school though it was late (I mean it was already just few minute to 10pm).

I left for my friends' place and in a SINGLE attempt, here we are! Today was really a lot for me, a lot to digest and sort out and this story wasn't what I planned to share(not like I have something planned though!)But, I have to share what happened today most especially because of its peculiarity . 

That an idea or a promise is from God doesn't mean it won't have bumps on the way. As a matter of fact God gives us his words so we can hold unto it when the situation doesnt look like it's working  according to that word. I remember walking on the road and affirming some words. INDEED God and his word can be trusted. You're going to encounter resistance if you want to birth anything especially when it's something that God has placed within you. The enemy can't just sit still and let you be, no. You've to fight it and resist it. Our life as Christians is that of warfare. 

So, I'm also reaching out to you who have something that God has placed within you to birth but you've been delaying because of the resistance that comes in different forms. Fear of failure,  impostor syndrome, fear of not being accepted, unworthiness, even depression or financial limitations. This is me affirming what God has laid in your heart and encouraging you to FIGHT it. Fight it. Don't just sit and dwell in it, I had times I sat on lots of emotional attacks I had and that was part of the delay.

 I'm currently in a phase where things around me are changing with such fast pace that I'm trying to hold unto something and find my place in all of this. I hope it gets clearer...

 I will have a lot to sort but it's all for the good. Lets see where all this lead us to. It's surely in a good place. Today, it's just the first day and I'm only excited to see what this blog really will become. Bye.